Every year, the holidays challenge us to improve our relationship skills towards ourselves and each other. We come together with conflicting opinions, desires, and capacities. And we are prone to getting overwhelmed, sucked into other people’s problems, and engaging in power struggles. This mini course is for anyone who wants to experience the holidays differently, moving toward peace and connection.
Part I: Breathe deeply into your heart
Our heart is a special organ. It helps regulate our blood pressure, breathing rate, and nervous system. It influences our hormone levels, digestion, and clarity of thinking, among many other things. Indeed, our heart has an entire network of nerves surrounding it, which send and receive information to and from other parts of our body. And our heart has a direct call line to our brain, influencing our capacity to both perceive and react to our environment, influencing our cognition, creativity, and problem-solving skills.
Whatever emotional state we are in influences our heart. Whatever emotional state we are witnessing in others influences our heart as well. And we are influenced by the emotional states of other people near us even if they are not expressing their emotions. Indeed, research has found that the emotional state of our heart can directly influence others through the heart’s electromagnetic field because this field emanates into the space outside of our physical bodies (on a side note, this is how communication technologies such as cell phones and radios work as well).
The technique of breathing deeply into our heart helps center us emotionally, relax our bodies, and improves our ability to think clearly. It can also have a powerful positive effect on those around us. Sometimes the only thing we and others need in an intense situation is to breathe deeply into our hearts.
Most people think the heart is to the left of their breastbone, when in actuality a significant portion of the heart is on the right side. A massive network of cardiac nerve cells and connections to vessels and arteries to and from the heart reside on the right as well. So when you are breathing into your heart, just breathe into the middle of your chest to get good coverage. It is also better to keep your mouth closed if you can, and breathe through your nose. That sends additional positive signals to your nervous system.
Here is a video of me demonstrating how to breathe deeply into your heart.
Sources: Heart Math Institute; SUNY Anatomy & Physiology II Course on Lumen Learning; Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor
Part ii: be present with your senses
Our senses are very special; they are our connection to the present moment. And when we are in the present moment, we perceive things more clearly, become calmer, and process information more effectively. That is because when we are in the present moment, our minds are not wandering around in the past, the future, or somewhere else other than where we currently are.
Our senses — such as our vision, hearing, or touch — originate within our body. Our body is located in the present moment, right here and right now. Start by becoming aware of your physical body. Then begin utilizing one of your senses to perceive something that is happening right now. It could be the sunlight coming through the window, the birds chirping outside, or the roughness of the woodgrain on the fencepost you are leaning against. Stay in that moment and just be. You could be listening to a conversation at the same time, nibbling on a snack, or just doing nothing. But keep yourself present with where you are now.
You may notice that it becomes easier not to be swept away by other people’s emotions — and even your own — when you are in the present moment. This is because the vast majority of our emotions are tied to the past, our fears and expectations about the future, or things going on somewhere other than in the room in which we are standing. Having a direct connection to the present moment gives our bodies, hearts, and brains an anchor to our actual reality and keeps us in perspective.
This also helps those around us because our hearts and nervous systems become calmer. When we are calmer we have a calming effect on others. Our inner peace radiates outward, both through our electromagnetic field, as discussed in Part I of this course, and through our thoughts, emotions, words, body language and actions. The state of peacefulness we establish within creates room for ourselves and others to breathe, get relief from our troubles, and gain perspective on our situations.
Source: Another Way: Navigating Toward Positive Change by Joanna Moore
Part III: Observe Your and Other’s Strengths
Each character trait embodies a strength and a vulnerability. A person who is sensitive to their environment, for example, is able to spot important things that the less sensitive cannot. That same person may have a harder time being in tougher environments, on the other hand. A person who is not very sensitive may do very well in tougher environments, being able to pull through a difficult situation. However, their lack of sensitivity will leave them vulnerable to things they do not notice, which may become quite problematic for them.
Everyone is different, even within a family or group of people celebrating the holidays. Being together is an opportunity to observe the particular character traits of each individual and appreciate in what ways and under what circumstances their unique qualities are an asset. We are prone to see the vulnerabilities of other people, and yet those vulnerabilities are strengths under the right conditions. Spend some time observing each person during the holidays and focus on appreciating how their unique qualities can be a great gift — not only to them personally, but within your family and community as well. Include yourself in this exercise — start with qualities that you consider to be your weaknesses and figure out what strengths inevitably come with them.
We cannot change our inherent traits. Rather, we need to honor and appreciate them — within ourselves and each other. It is through this perspective that we bring out the best in each other. Our hearts and minds feel the support and appreciation that others feel for us, and others feel the support and appreciation we feel for them.
Sources: Johnson O’Connor Research Foundation, Friends of Mio
Part IV: Give reflective responses
When someone is upset or having troubles, we are prone to engage in a variety of strategies to try to help them or alter their perspective. We do this because we worry about them and how their situation may affect us. Social scientists have tested a wide range of human relations strategies that we engage in during these times and have concluded that the vast majority of them do not work, and even make the problem worse. Click here to view all the human relationship strategies that have proven to be counterproductive.
There is one human relations strategy, however, that has been proven to consistently work when someone is upset or having troubles. That strategy is to give reflective responses that attempt to demonstrate that we understand the perspective of other person. When delivered correctly, the reflective response will help the upset person move forward. Click here to read a detailed description of how to formulate a reflective response and examples of how it can be used.
It can be hard to give a reflective response if we have not heard the other person, are swept up by our own emotions, or are feeling distracted. Practicing the other strategies in this mini-course will help you stay focused and clear-minded so that you will have more ability to communicate a reflective response. And ultimately, keep in mind that the only person who can solve another person’s problems or change their perspective is their own self. Our role is to create a supportive environment so that the senses, emotions, hearts and minds of other people can work optimally toward the best resolution for them.
Sources: Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People for Change (2nd ed) by William R. Miller & Stephen Rollnick; On Becoming a Person by Carl Rogers