When what you need is nowhere in sight, it is time to take a step back, so that you can see the situation more clearly. This mini-course will help you do that:
PART I: DISTINGUISH BETWEEN WHAT YOU NEED AND WHAT YOU DESIRE
The things we need have to do with how we want to feel. For example, we want to feel connection and support, happiness and joy, safety and security, etc. In contrast, the things we desire result from our personal and cultural beliefs around what things, people, and events we think will get our needs met.
We may think that relationships with specific people will cause us to feel connection and support. We may think that going on vacation to a specific place will provide us with happiness and joy. And we may think that a certain career will provide us with a sense of safety and security.
Our assumptions around what we think will make us feel good can be so ingrained in our psyche that we never question them. We begin to assume that the things we desire are the only way to get our needs met. And frequently enough the things we desire are not a good match to what we really need. For example, we may desire connection and support from a certain group of people, but the reality may be that those individuals are not willing or able to do that for us.
Distinguishing between what you desire and what you need is the key to actually getting what you need. Rather than pursuing your desires based on your cultural preconceptions of what will get your needs met, you can start to focus your energies on the people, things, and activities that will actually help meet your needs.
Source: Another Way: Navigating Toward Positive Change by Joanna Moore
Part II: Reevaluate Your Means & Ends
If you’ve been trying to get your needs met but have not had success, it is time to reevaluate your approach. Is your way of pursuing your desires leading you to your expected outcome? And does the expected outcome actually meet your needs? If the answer to either question is no, it is time to reevaluate your means and ends.
The conventional way of pursuing what we desire is to outcompete others — e.g. be louder, stronger, and faster. An alternative way is to be mindful, gentler, and take our time. This alternative way gives us the opportunity to fully see and acknowledge our reality, caretake what needs caretaking, and respond appropriately to changing conditions.
We also have a tendency to try even harder if our actions do not result in the desired outcome. It is possible, however, that no matter how hard we try, we are pushing against a brick wall. There are circumstances in which putting in more energy or making slight changes in what we say or do will not make a difference. We may be interacting with people, institutions, and communities that have their own mindsets, agendas, and perspectives — and they may not have room for ours.
Moreover, we sometimes do things for the wrong reasons, which frequently does not end well. This occurs when we have mixed motivations. Some of them may be positive and genuinely inspired by our intrinsic needs. Others are negative, and may be driven by our fears and assumptions that our needs won’t be met unless we pursue certain means or ends (even if these means or ends are not suitable for us or anyone else). Become aware of the emotions driving your motivations and take an objective look at whether they are suitable for the situation. If they are not suitable, it is also time to step back and reconsider what you are doing.
Source: Another Way: Navigating Toward Positive Change by Joanna Moore
Part III: Let Go of What You Do not Really Need
There may be things we need to let go of that we do not really need in order to get what we truly do need. These may include certain ideas/beliefs, people/interactions, and commitments/responsibilities:
The ideas or beliefs we adopt become a part of our world view or perspective. That perspective influences our thoughts, words, and actions. Our thoughts can become self-limiting based on those ideas or beliefs, preventing us from thinking, speaking, and acting in a way that helps us gets our needs met. We can consciously let go of limiting ideas or beliefs and be open to other possibilities.
People or interactions can be supportive of our needs or distract us from them. The more energy we devote to distracting people or interactions, the more distracted we will be. And the less bandwidth we will have to pursue what we really need. Letting go of distracting people or interactions creates more time and space in our lives for supportive individuals and interactions.
Our commitments and responsibilities can be aligned with getting our needs met, or they can take our energies away from pursuing those needs. This means that we need to let go of commitments and responsibilities that do not feel right for us, even if this disappoints others. Sometimes that requires us to accept the reality that pursuing a certain commitment or maintaining a certain responsibility will not get our needs met.
Part IV: Imagine What it Would Feel Like to Get That Need Met
What would it feel like to get your need met? If that is hard to imagine, imagine instead how you would feel if you finally obtained that thing that you desire. Would you finally feel secure? Supported? Fulfilled? Maybe there is another feeling that best describes what you are after.
Sit down in a quiet spot and zoom forward in your mind’s eye to the future in which your need gets met. Do not worry about all the things that would need to happen to make those stars align. Instead, just imagine the positive feeling within your body that would result if you got your need met. Once you feel it within your body, bring that positive feeling back into the present moment, leaving that future scenario behind. Feel that positive feeling within your body, staying in the present moment. Experience it viscerally, noticing how it permeates one or more parts of your body. Enjoy and get to know that feeling on a physical level, even if it is only for a few moments at a time.
Why engage in this practice? Because it trains you to recognize that positive feeling on a conscious and subconscious level. And when you recognize that feeling, you begin to focus on it and move toward it, knowing that this is your end goal. So when the time comes to make choices that will either take you further away from or closer to your goal, you will choose to move toward the people, things, ideas and actions that will help you get your need met.
It is also useful to imagine the relief you would feel if you got your need met, along with the relaxation that would bring to your body. The more relaxed you feel, the better your quality of life and the more bandwidth you will have to notice opportunities that can help get your needs met. Here is a video of me demonstrating how to do this:
Source: Another Way: Navigating Toward Positive Change by Joanna Moore